Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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