I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it's like iHOP with fire
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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