It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
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I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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