a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
