i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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