Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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