i just had sex bonerless
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
