Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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