I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Welp...herpes.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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