My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
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