No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
