At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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