Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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