I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
