new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
