dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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