I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
