I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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