they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
