When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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