I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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