dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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