I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
