You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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