What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
