I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
