: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
