A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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