I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
