when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
