Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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