Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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