Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize