By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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