i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
