he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
