You smell like a Billy Joel song
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
