i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
