"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
