I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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