i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
