u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
