im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But break dance skills will only take you so far
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize