Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
