youre lurking in front of me
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
