i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
do herpes really smell.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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