My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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