I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
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i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
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Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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