the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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