he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
