one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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