I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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