After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
