Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize